MeyerBros --> EricMeyer --> ANovel

the beginnings of a book

with pictures

and TwoSongs

---

the inspiration

once upon an old grey time
with blue highlights
and a round, round ball
lived the monkey-mother sock-puppetest of them all
and he was sore afraid
“do not be afraid” the dandelion cried
for i will bring forth eleven babies
without taking off my shoes
and God cried a sad tear
like she never did before
all hail, all hail
it fell in a pail *plunk* and another *plink*
And that’s the end of my show! DONK!

---Mary Beechy and Eric Meyer, some kind of bird

---

the epigraph

I once fell in love with you
Just because the sky turned from gray
Into blue
It was a good friday
The streets were open and empty
No more passion play
On St. Nicholas avenue
I believe in St. Nicholas
It’s a different type of Santa Claus

---CocoRosie, Good Friday

---

1.  Chapter One: In Which JJ

once upon a sunday raining afternoon, stood a man without a spoon. that man was me and i'm a tree.

a simple song so sing along.

oh la la and la again. you're a tree and you're my friend. and that's just how this song must end.

johnny-john went sitting on a sunday bench in the parkest of trees. shadow shadow park and shadow. the rain fell slow and jesus wept. jj sat and watched the trees. watched the trees and the rain and the pit pit pit pit pit pot in the puddles before. his shirt is wet and the darkest black hole is his heart cried like a heart. sad like a christ figure. the rain fell slow and jesus wept again. jj watched the trees.

the park bench sang a little song and jj sat and sang along.

his heart was gold, his eyes were brown, and the hair behind his ears was wet. he heard the music of the lake and sky sing with the puddles to make him dry.

but the rain kept falling. not a squirrel in the sky. no one expected them, and they didn't show. didn't raining show at all. the sun is hiding, but the shadows show. shadow shadow park and shadow, johnny-john sits beneath the trees and sings his song. all along. all along. in the park that made him strong.

monday: clear skies. unearthed the little bugger.

it came hard, that thursday rain between joy and happiness giving thanks to a tree stump. christmas was just around the corner and jj couldn't complain, much to his chagrin. when the tv came on it was all tinsel and tinseltown, snowstorms and snowstormtown - white and white and white and whiter. teeth and smiles and babies in strollers. jj went for a walk instead. with an umbrella this time. he didn't buy anything in the shop windows or sit in the park bench under the shade of the shadows. when the rain let up he ate an ice cream cone but it was cold and sweet. sweet like a tooth, and he went home all the same, but a little bit louder. it was thursday after all.

it doesn't rain every day in the life of jj and tuesday was one of those days. the fluffy clouds made shapes like rabbits and battleships and dandelions. jj didn't watch the clouds, but they watched him. he looked like a dot, they might have thought. look at that dot. there were cars on the highway and some semi truck trailers pulled and pulling and people moving. license plates from out of town and as far west as south nebraska on a sunny day. it was warm, but not too warm and never hot. one car was green with it's windows down and latin hip hop like a locomotive. here and gone like the rest. gone and gone and gone and gone and gone and gone. like a road to somewheresville do not pass go go go. perhaps the future in both directions. life is a loop like that sometimes. jj thought maybe he ought to take a little nap on that note, so he slept for the afternoon till the sun went down and his house was a shadow under the clouds. then the clouds drift off, and jj and his house are shadows all alone. jj watched some tv and went back to bed.

at the bookstore on wednesday jj wasn't sure if he wanted the new hardcover by thursdays top seller or the old classic he had been not reading since junior high school. no one enjoyed junior high school, least of all our johnny-hero john, but he did a lot of reading and he should have read that one by now. it would have been crime and punishment or grapes of wrath, but he read the brothers karamozof instead and enjoyed it for the most part. winnie the pooh and some others were also good and he would read them in the evenings before going to sleep. instead he bought a paperback of poems by someone in their thirties. she might have been a recent immigrant or an exile. he liked the cover art and hoped the poems would be that good and they were. it was worth the money money money, and he had to use a debit card to make the purchase final.

the snow below our heads is cold, that's how we know we're growing old. so sing a song of love and peace, let's lift our heads and wear our fleece.

without a song to cheer our hearts, we'll never escape the smells of our farts.

christmas is as christmas does, so kill the ghosts of christmas was.

a holiday song for holiday times. holiday holiday holiday rhymes.

the family came around that christmas and sat in the living room. some of them on the couch or in chairs and some on the hardy-har hardwood floor with pillows under their bums. it wasn't a white christmas, but that was just as well for the kids who built killer robots on their zx3000 to much greater and long lasting effect than your or my childhood holiday snow-scapes. it also kept the volume down in the basement with the treadmill and the television. jj's aunt was on the phone quite a bit and if the british consulate wanted to call they were just going to have to wait. everyone laughed. it was a merry old christmas time with mud and holiday cheer. they even watched a movie and ate sweet things. delicious.

jj slept the whole night through, and then he slept the next day too. the birds outside made lots of noise and children played and played and played with toys (some of them were boys). what a bore what a bore, what a sleeping little bore. what a bore what a bore, bore bore bore bore bore bore bore. and more!

happy birthday called the chimes. but it wasn't his birthday, it was almost new years eve when the apples fall. tick tick tick tick tick.

hum, hummed the clouds and the trees hummed to. it's a whole new world outside in january. and finally the snow came with ice to keep the world cool. jj came awake, it's true. every day since st. stephens, now. what a world!

it was friday and january already by the time jj went to the park again. he made snow angels in the snow and sky angels in the sky. he went sledding on his sled and skating on his skates. it was cold, but his hat kept his ears warm and before long he took his scarf off to give his poor neck some fresh air. the sun blazed through the cold cold cold like a giant ball of fire millions of miles away. what a day, what a day! the ice was thick , but had cracks running through it. the snow was thick and jj ran through it. he built a snow man and a fort and another snow man when it was getting dark. by then he was hungry and went home to find a cookie and cocoa and dinner and all. a winter wonderland dinner of frozen pizza and veggies all cooked up and hot to the touch. jj likes the frozen vegies better than the canned ones - and pizza is as pizza does: good good good. no root beer tonight. none to be had. do without!

merry go round and round and round. merry go to and fro and fro. up and down. up and down. merry go round and round and round. the sun comes up, the sun goes down but merry goes round and round and round.

without sound. head in the ground. pitcher's mound. pitcher's mound.

---

1.1  Chapter One.One: Daymares, Poor Boy.

"He seemed a bit down to me// if you know what I mean."

"I do, I do// and I agree// Lonely I think// or missing his father."

"It's a shame."

"He needs a woman."

"Sometimes I wonder."

"Something. I don't know."

"Could be the weather."

"A man then?"

"He has a good job."

"All that mud and gray sky// In the park and dreaming things."

"Crying, I heard."

"In the shadows."

"Daymares, Poor boy."

---

2.  Chapter Two: the Susy within

1. holidays go and rainy days come again
2. back to work all the same for susy.

Monday mornings are not all they're cracked up to be with the wheat-thin wheaty white bran flake flavor crunch mega brand cereal and all that back to weekly work jazz. Slugish to say the least, which Susy does. one of those days again and again without delay. the lamp is broken and the floor squeaks. but sleep is the food of the gods, and there they all are, zeus and jehovah side by side in the light of mount olympus or zion or one of the others, glaring white, and darker than the eye can see. a glowing black shadow light from the parkest of trees through clouds and clear sky floating to the heavens or from them and back again with sirens blaring and look, there's a squirrel she has an ice cream cone and watches tv alone with her mother now fred astair and jehovah and she's in the park in the shadows of trees which become mountains as the sirens get louder and oh zeus of lighting she is awake.

1. seven fifteen, not a minute to lose.
2. several lost already, where have they gone with the flowers in full bloom?
3. turn turn turn.

and she does every morning as she gets in the shower, and sometimes in the bathroom stalls at work, not sure why but surrounded by the off-green shoulder-high hiney-hider stall dull walls. where does off-green come from anyway? only nursing homes and stall doors. turn turn, and the water is as water does - a glorious thing hot down the beaten back ahhhhhhhhhhh.

still monday though, on re-entry and not a minute too soon. crunch bran banana blast big day. where has all the water gone down the drain and out the water spout. splish splash splosh and off to work. not a minute too soon too late too long. the clock strikes pit pit pit pit pit pit seven fifty eight and twenty three milliseconds above the golden glow computer work office desk dungeon wall. everyone complains about mondays, nothing new there. get a life. be creative. just do it. work work work.

sunday was another story watching whats-his-name on the tee tele vele vee in socks and coffee all mid-morning long. it's the smell, not the flavor or the kick kick kick to the beating heart adrenaline rush. sick to the stomach with too much of that, but a wafting deep dark dreamy coffee canary blue skies sunny day smell in front of a good show is worth a thousand words. smells like tomorrow. life is a daydream.

1. susy is writing a novel
2. in her spare time
3. with words like "elementation" and "pumpernickle" which she can spell
4. and others like "friday morning" which evoke that certain feeling every time she puts them down.

the window lights the lamp with morning glow, but the couch is a cold brown. paper pen pin scratches in a notebook not long to live, alive again, then crossed out. again and again forever. paper is a thing of the past. everyone says to write by hand but not for susy. who is everyone and what do they know? computer it is. all the day long - it's a novel after all.

1. awake awake and take a break
2. sunday's best will have to rest.
3. these are the days of miracle popsicle bicycle brilliant blue-green fairy-tale marmalade wonderful skies.
4. have a tea and sit with me
5. heaven in hand we'll find our land and settle beneath the trees.
6. this is how it goes, this song - exactly how it goes.
7. make no mistake, we'll take a break from all tomorrow's mondays

at work again the sun is setting and so is hunger setting in and not a minute too soon. what a way to end the day.

1. what a day to end.

at home belonely and loud lays the susy-est out and napping on a couch-cushion bed of thoughts. music rocks. rock, music, rock. rock on. susy sleeps through it all, or some of it. she's reading a book about the end of the world and three young men on adventures through time and the moon. why men? it's always men. put that in your couch cushion and sit on it, susy. lay on it and fall a full sleep. dream of princesses in battle with the gods for violent freedom from blood and guts and washing the kitchen floor with numbers from last weeks stock report. zeus took your promotion and sat on it. keep your daydream job.

up for frozen dinner special mac, the good kind, from last months grocery bill. it's all or nothing and the latter tonight with an extra serving for the road. road to nowhere preparing reports for the thursday presentation. the rest is just details. don't let us down. bring up the rear. dress to kill. what a work week day. keep living watch the sky turn red, the physics of particles moving and making contact, touching and loving and falling to the earth in evening colors of pink and purple - a wedding carpet welcome for the moon and stars. leave off the flash and catch the action on film, with an exposure to match the length of the live-long night.

1. it's a life to be had,
2. and coffee makes it true.
3. verisimilitude of smell.
4. touch the wafting flavor.
5. drink it in.
6. chew on it.

when the rain comes down with the sun, out and outside the grass is loving it up as green as the day is long, it's the light of the street lights through the running water that keeps the windows open. back to reading and writing for susy, the one and the other, the both the same the one without and the other within forever and forever amen until bed. someone's got to do it.

1. in the end and out again,
2. without your love it's all the same
3. take the rains
4. break the reins
5. in and out it's all the same

---

2.1  Chapter Two.One: Yes Mother, Goodnight.

"It's a novel, mother,// with words and not pictures.// A real novel// with characters who come in and out// or stay the whole time// over years and through wars// loving and hating and dying,// like Tolstoy and // the Russians.// Like Marquez and others.// Magic and eternal,// with such beauty it will make you cry."

"Not mine. Marquez."

"Latin American. Mexico maybe."

"I don't know."

"I think you'd like it. I'm on chapter seven."

"Mine."

"Yes, mother. Goodnight."

---

3.  Chapter Three: Bring Down The House House

after those holy holy holidays it's back to work for jj as well. and so and so: we'll follow him there. we'll follow jj anywhere! what a dare! what a scare! what if he forgets to comb his hair? not jj, though. he's all suited in a suit with a tie and hair combed nice to the side like my grandfathers. very very nice, jj. everyone wants to hire jj for his suit and tie and the way he spells "underwater" backwards without stopping to think. what a funny guy. r e t a w r e d n u, RETAWRENDU! can you use that in a sentence? everyone laughs again. that jj - there he goes again we all say. he has a tongue in his cheek, he does he does. oh yes, and he knows how and when and where to use it. what a tongue! what a cheek! what a guy!

with work in the works there's not as much time to park in the park. no squirrels in the trees and no jj underneath. HTEANREDNU. jj sits at his computer with head phones and sings to himself. he hums a christmas tune but those are all worn out. something new! he listens to all his favorites and then three more. sometimes someone wants to know the procedure for clearing a document through human resources or why the sky is so blue today and jj has answers for everyone, but sometimes he just listens to his music and nothing gets done. lonely little nothing all getting done. he really likes this new band and so do the critics. SCITIRC. he thinks of more words to spell backwards. y a d n u s. and then he spells the whole week backwards through y a d n o m and back again. sometimes everything goes in circles.

the clock goes in circles. look at that clock always going in circles and never running out of time. running running running to beat the clock, and always on time. jj makes a joke: that clock is like me - always running and never on time - but the joke doesn't work because jj doesn't run and the clock is on time. he imagines situations in which his joke could work, with just the right people at just the right time and everyone would laugh and he would wear a tie and comb his hair to the side. what a beautiful time they would all have. had by all. tick tick says the clock clock clock. tick tick tick like a clock on the wall. e v l e w t. n e v e l e. n e t. e n i n. why twelve? lowest common denominator! twenty-four and sixty! math! what a discovery. jj wonders if anyone else in the office has ever thought of that. has anyone in the world ever thought of it? who though of it first? who invented the clock? who invented seconds and minutes and days? who invented time? was it thomas edison or copernicus? confuscious? e m i t. e m i t. k c i t. k c i t. tick like a clock. when do we go home? when do we go to the park? how sad it is to be at work. sad like a heart. cry out little heart!

susy wants to see the report from the teleconference on thursday and borrow a pencil too please and jj is glad to give her both. glad like a singing heart. oh la la and la again. later they go out for dinner and susy has a steak but jj is vegetarian for medical purposes he doesn't talk about. susy has questions! jj has answers! jj has questions! susy has answers! had by all. they have it and they go. down the street and around the block down and around and down again. around and down and around again. had by all! had by all! till the fall! off the wall! all hail all hail, set sail set sail! and then up the stairs and in the door for some cocoa on a winter cold january friday night in love.

oh what a to do, what a to do, what a to do, the earth without you. i'm in my head, you're in my bed, we'll touch each other and cry.

touch each other and touch each other and touch our minds. touch each other and close the blinds.

the beach is one and you are two and squirrels are three, but two is my favorite and that's you.

good night good night good night goodnight goodnight!

susy wants her own toothbrush: bring down the house house.

sleeeeeeeeeep. mmmmmm.

and if i chance to fall below the earths deep crust and down and down and down and down and down...

this way and to that. and out again on the other side, sha la la la

swing in your little baby gravity baby baby girl

the sun was up and then some, floating lazy-like through the blue blue blue backstroke sky. WAKE UP. jj is late for work today, but it's ok. WAKE UP. the sun and jj in freestyle together underwater. clouds carry them away. stars explode. the earth is swallowed up by the earth. jj and susy in their arms. they are held. gone and gone and gone and gone and gone goes the world and the trees, the cars and the sun, clouds and bees and work and work and work. it's raining in the park but no one notices. where did time go? time flies! bring back time. the good old times. for the bees!

after work that next day and the day after and several times over the next week johnny-john would find susy in the parking lot waiting for him and they would drive to the park and sing songs the whole way there and back again forever. it was a joy and a dream and being held was everything. sundays they slept in and tuesdays they got up early for a little bit more before toast and jam and off to work work work. there was a letter on the table that morning from yesterdays mail. three letters, but two of them were credit cards and lotteries and an army of one two three, but the third was from his mother. his mother! a letter!

to my dearest sweet johnny-j-john boy with love your mother.

and went on with the usual.

it wasn't till early spring later when jj went park walking on his own again in the shade of the Big Trees and one jumping squirrel, with a hum in his heart and smile on his smile, that jj sat belonely again under his tree. and so he sat as the hum went down, back on his bench on the edge of the town. what a silly life that leads us here, with a smile and a tear, through love and fear, without enough beer. i remember now, thought john to himself, what it must be like to be me under a tree.

susy wasn't there, but she did call, and the joy from it lasted almost half a minute or two before the shadows and the sun and the world outside had their way again. what an ugly world from where he sat in the parkest of trees, with tears in his eyes. how dare it go that way after the joy of the holiest of lovely holidays with snow and gifts and the taste of susy. the sun came up.

what if the world turned black again? nothing to be done. how do you control a spark in your heart? nothing can be done. where have you been all the days, joy of mine? nowhere under the sun.

when the hum of a bird is the hum of your heart in the wild - a wild heart! - say hello! say hello!

when the leap of a toad is the leap of your soul through the mud - wild mud! - there you go! there you go!

when the fit fast fleeing of trees is the fleeing in you - a wild you! - to and fro! to and fro!

and when the world sits on a stump and looks glum - oh so glum - you go slow. you go slow.

but then the stars fly one after another - a wild nother! - and you know! and you know!

and a world without pain is like cheese without jam - juicy jam! - and it's time to pick up your sad toys and head home - hilly home - with your jam and your cheese and your wobbly knees and a smile on your frown and a wink in your crown and a whole load good to go round - just go home! go home!

it saved jj's life so he did.

susy wasn't sure it was funny or good - like he thought she should. what a funny little jj to be sad and glad and come home with jam and ham. he must be mad. that would be bad.

"i'm alive" he cried without thinking it through. but the more that he thought, the more that he knew. and sundays came and sundays went without his collar getting bent. dandelions were on their way and some of them had things to say. talking dandelions! all on their own they populated the world with yellow and then white. quite a night! all right!

and he sang a little song as he hummed along between the trees and bushes there with shadows and shadows and light and shadows. squirrels above and trees besides, and everyone together on a grand old adventure over potholes and under lamp posts to find his heart and make it jump jump jump jump jump jump jump!

a simple song so sing along!

oh la la and la again. you're a tree and you're my friend. i hope this song will never end!

the end! the end! the end

---

3.1  Chapter Three.One: Dance Together and Cry

"I only just met him really."

"She's the end of my everyday// and the beginning of my end."

"There's something so earnest,// not earnest but present,// not present but transcendent.// He transcends.// We do."

"We dance together and cry."

"It could be anything.// It could be anything."

---

4.  Chapter Four: Forever Amen

Susy saw a rainbow at the corner of Roosevelt and forever amen. now it's in her notebook brain beyond the worlds to come. a rainbow sketch in pen looks like the end of a good day. nothing to do but sing a song and she does.

1. the rain and the trees and the humming bird bees
2. the wind and the sky and the rain in my eye
3. round and round and round we go
4. through time and rain and wind and snow
5. round and round and round we go
6. with love to keep the time

it's a whiff of joy saved for later. aged in oak. it's not a joke. a creative stroke! write it down! she sings it for jj who sings it for himself, changing it a bit here and there but loving it all the same. they sing it together in duet and round, harmonies up and down and between with and without end. it's a beautiful sound in the wilderness apartment flat first floor living room of susy's life.

1. nothing consistent these days,
2. not even the rain snow rain on the windshield before and after work each morning.
3. and on and on and on.

something to wipe swipe scrape scrap sing away anyway. it's all in a rhyme or two, alliteration and tempo. time time time beat time time time. A through A through A through Z and on and on through you and you and you and me. write it down! write it down!

when it gets just so out of the oven ready to edit susy goes at it with knives, hungry like wolves for a word kill cut it out, pare it down, eat the flesh living off its bones and spit them out for later chewing and crunching between cold white teeth. make it a game like cart-wheels and ping pong every third word has got to go and so on till the end of time up seven o'clock or eight, by any other name.

1. like skipping stones on a frozen lake.
2. like the lake froze over and birds fly.
3. like coming home!
4. coming home!
5. the end of one chapter is the beginning of another
6. through all time
7. forever amen.

she calls up jj on thursdays after work and saturdays without work to get some food or a film or both. a walk in the park will do the trick, it always has. together they are like boats on a log, sailing together into the sunrise red.

sailor's warning. keep up the good looks, don't change a wink. sometimes on a sad day or one where the numbers got away they just sit in solemn silence like never before. like the night before forever. to hold and be held is a moment of peace in this joyless-go-round of some-such and so-much and more.

close the door. close the door.

1. to hold and be held
2. to held and be hold
3. to meld and be mold
4. to mold and be meld
5. the joy of the old
6. the flock and the fold
7. the best that there is in this wonderful world
8. the two together and the one forever
9. amen

eat a bagel eat a biscuit, keep the time, keeping time, keeping time, keeping time, let it rhyme, let it rhyme, keep the time.

half past nine.

the trash goes out on monday mornings just like that. nothing to be done. picked up and gone over the edge of the earth. the men wear cover-alls to mask their smells. keep the clean air clean. put the bin outside the door as you leave the office on fridays and you'll be fine. no need to think or breath. take the weekend off and write a novel.

1. do something with your hands
2. anything really
3. one thing is as good as another
4. the end of one chapter is

---

4.1  Chapter Four.Four: Twice Three Plus One

"The problem with love// it seems// if you ask me// which you didn't// but you should// I am your best friend after all// and so I'll tell you anyway// As a friend// The problem with love is fidelity// And I don't mean sex// with another man or woman or both// Times being what they are// Because that's not really the point is it?// Not the cause but the symptom// Not the symptom but the exit strategy// Because the problem is you// and not them// It always is// However cheap it sounds when you say it.// It doesn't last.// You don't last.// Even if it does.// You still don't.// You can't be one thing forever// Forever is a long time to be anything// You were a three and now a seven// Twice three plus one more// For no reason at all// which is only loosely related to three// in a mathematical sense// And has nothing in the slightest to say to thirteen// So why bother?"

It didn't work out?

It didn't work out.

I'm Sorry.

Maybe you're different.

I'm writing a novel.

That's wonderful.

---

5.  Chapter Five: Into The Green Green Mud

From the workbench of: JJ

Date: March 23, Sunday

drink a lot or drink a little. drink a pot or drink a kettle

Sober Days are Sober Days - Here To Stay! Gone Away!

drink a pot or drink a lot! Call it Black!

It's all tea all the time for JJ now, the english breakfast kind like the best of them. what a smell on those rainy nights. Still! You know what they say. The end of the moonlit world was only steps away - a phase or two where the tides come rushing in and out out out and then fall. Over The Edge and beyond. What a World.

JJ took his socks off and smelled the ocean in his tea. waves crashing on the hard rocks below. like a bungalow. he hummed like he does, with the windows shut, about a bee and a bear and a tree and a buzzzzz. busy like a bee, like a bee, like a bee. buzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz buzzzzzy beee. Water is as water does, and outside it was falling. Over The Edge. What a World.

he takes it black, too, like the best of them do. not one lump or two but black as can beee. no milk for my tea, not me, not me!

susy calls to leave a message about taking a walk, beeeeeep.

JJ calls her back.

The puddles are filled to the brim and running over, but the sky is clear and the worms are running for cover like they do. JJ and susy step careful like detectives and runaways, with their eyes on the path and their shoes in their hands. their other hands. the warmth of finger on finger on palm and tickling is the joy of JJ's heart all pounding. breathless and distracted, he can't look or the world will end in little flames. balls of fire, a man on a horse, or every calm thing dissolving into itself into dust into ashes into dust into itself as they walk.

the sky is falling! the sky is falling!

all conversation is slight movements of the fingernail. tips of fingers and the middle palm. back of the hand pointer pinky knuckle palm knuckle fingernails palm thumb grasp grasp grasp tickle. faster and then stopping and slow and nothing at all, stepping over the cracks, and splitting to avoid a puddle and back together in full grasp and tickle! more exciting than ever!

susy pulls hard and they are off the beaten path. blazing their own. marching to a beat. a different heart-drum. two of them together. wild like the sunshine in the puddles. wild like a sunday morning in March. merrily rolling along. life is but a green green puddle dream. wild like waking up or falling asleep. the space in between. the mud on the feet of the people with hearts. the wet on the legs of splashing lovers - like a fountain!

1. youth everlasting!
2. a whole new world!
3. over the raging seas of change!
4. between the sea and sky!
5. bed sheets full billowed!
6. billowed!

a roll in the hay, hey? for old time's sake?

we'll call it a day, hey? and send it away! take it all off for a roll in the hay!

hey?

and all is green and cold and cozy running home in clinging clothes. hand in hand, a full swing band. sing sing dance and sing. splash and crash and run for warmth. strip in the stairwell without enough time even for tea on the stove. english breakfast will have to wait. under the covers and tickling. full body now and warmer than ever. it's a game! a war! a secret! everything for all time like the movies! and all is still and the world is at peace. and it was good.

there's a puddle at the foot of the stairs.

what can you do about a thing like that? life is a miracle after all.

Things to do on a Thursday:

1. plant a tree
2. sing a song
3. walk a mile
4. take me by the hand and smile
5. become an astronaut
6. paint the garage

remember new years eve?

1. pancakes for breakfast!

wasn't that great?

1. work work work

we kissed at midnight and did a dance for the new year

the singing done, the world's begun to fall asleep and drift away. nothing to say. nothing to say. given time, silence. puddles dry with her back to him, his arms around above beneath between and held. still. the world ends. what is the opposite of entropy?

what a time and time and time again with you in the arms of joy amen. we'll meet again. goodnight.

JJ left his job that day, without a note from the doctor. walked out and caught the first bus to way way way away away west young man. left a note for susy on her pillow on her desk on her phone in her heart and was gone.

what a time and time and time again with you in the arms of joy amen. we'll meet again. goodnight.

she read it again and cried.

jj cried and hummed a little hum. a spring little hum for leaving and loving. better to have hummed along with every song.

into the green green mud beyond. what flowers grow within? memories of you. memories of you. we'll see a better world, come summer and singing trees, come birds and humming bees, come you and i and many more skinned knees. what a day, what a day.

1. as rain falls, puddles rise.
2. at sun rise, shadows fall.
3. jj watches from the window.
4. Susy watches from the window.
5. so green!

---

6.  Chapter Six: Once Upon a Sunday Raining.

1. No rain since Thursday past.
2. In like a lion, as they say.
3. out and gone like a lover.
4. as they say.
5. better to have had your cake and eaten it.
6. as they say.

Susy's song is sad and long as the days go on and on and on. Three plus three is minus twelve. Math without love is like a woman scorned.

Shakespeare.

Susy stays late at work and can't write her soul on paper in words that touch and mean and grow and breath with life and flavor.

thai spice with tea and ice and other things with flavor:

1. italian sausage
2. chocolate chip cookies
3. coconut milk
4. salt
5. picante sauce
6. and sometimes love

All the words are the same on the page full of rage. not rage, but pain. not pain but fear. not fear but sorrow. not any of those. nothing. nothing on the page all the same all the time page after page. what a feeling to find within.

Go outside in the darkest of night Susy, and walk the park in bare feet till the coming of God. In the park she finds a squirrel, three dandelions and her voice. a soul. and a blade of grass to take home and make music with.

Thursday morning the same old same old cereal and numbers on the clock and computer and pencil paper work work work work work. the phone rings like a child. a phone call. a meeting. another meeting and a promotion. all day all day more pay more pay. one two one two and a corner office with bigger windows to see from. nothing to see but the night sea breeze in off the mountains and lakes of all time. like falling snow or falling leaves or grass growing in the spring.

through cracks in the floor her office becomes a jungle. through under the door where the wild things were. a crayon, just one, in the side drawer of her desk, will take her there on 10:00 break for fifteen minutes. one two three tick four tick five and on and on and on. the new job has less numbers to count but more accounting to be done. one o'clock two o'clock three-o-the-clock four. and out the door and out the door. sweep up the mess tomorrow.

1. take in the seams
2. let out a scream
3. let your fingers do the walking
4. hang in there
5. hang in there
6. hang in there

the novel is on hold in the corner now, with the tv on to a movie every night. drugs sex and rock and roll. food and gore and love and more. all in all, three bags full. she calls her father to discuss the weather up there. getting hotter every day. brighter than the night is long. no sign of rain brings a tear to her eye.

congratulations and all that. a long distance glass of whatever's on hand and a toast to the susy with the mostest. oh bright our daughter. first and forever amen. it's a beautiful day in this neighborhood and so on and on to the end of times. mother says hi and well. she has her hands busy busy busy like a bee - she always does that mother of me. work herself to death do us part since the day we met.

a quick nap on the couch and three poems crumpled and trashed. life is as unto a whale in the night. land ho. they call us all Ahab and the rest. Until the rain shall come. Until it came and washed away all fear. where have the waters gone? wherefore art they gone? wherefore? and forsaken me?

good words on a sunny day in may:

1. forsaken
2. honey-do melon
3. wishy-washy
4. absolutely
5. without
6. gingerbread

always something to put your mind to, if you're into that sort of thing. the view from the window is a maze of light and shadows like the park without squirrels. like rain on a sunny day. one hand in your pocket. the numbers don't add up but they don't have to, that's the beauty of it all. numbers come and go. build them into towers and knock them down. timber, she cries out! timber! and they all came a-tumbling down down down into the depths of true life. life without wheels. life in a laundry basket on the living room floor.

1. at least the movie was good.
2. better than the book actually.
3. you should see the other one.

jen is over. jen from highschool. the one with the sunday dress. she has glasses or contacts depending on the occasion now. she works on the other side of eternity. she enjoys movies and long walks on the beach. also chocolate chips and falafel. it's a whole new world out there. remember back when. back when everything was. reminiscing just isn't what it was back when. back when everything was.

just so just so, they go for walks on thursdays now before work as the sun comes up between Edison and Seventh, earlier every week. the sky turns purple and then orange and blue. finally blue as they reach the corner where you go this way and i'll go that way and off to work.

1. life goes on.
2. without you now.
3. and on and on and on.

---

7.  Chapter Seven: Not a Susy In Sight For Miles and Miles

on his third bus between here and west young man it's getting late but the radio sings along. the woman in the seat next to him is reading a book and so does jj, inspired. andrew in the nursing home and on and on, black text on white. a smooth white. a new book. a whole new look. just in time. jj left his watch behind but oh well. it's for the best. a stitch in time. for the rest of time. take a rest. take a nap. a book in his lap. oh yes, the book. take a look!

JJ is asleep and nodding. mmm yes mmmm.

awake again and reading, the nurses aid and wheel chair, with a thought in his head and he has a girlfriend in illinois. what a night! puddles in the park, not a susy in sight. jj puts the book away. lights and shadows become a town in the night. what a sight, and people too. like magic. this one walking or sitting through a window in the cafe reading a book with a girl in illinois. look up! look up! take a sip. and on. up the block and down the around. in and out in and out and town and town again without end. advertisements for soap and a large screen tv. food next eternity, three miles and snoring.

this is no way to sing a song, when there's not a song to be sung

there's no time for love today, and you know you're not the one

forever young

you're never young

you've gotta run

you're gonna run

i've gotta run

take me to your room and show me the end of times

show me sunflowers bent towards noon

in your arms

i'm so tired

in your arms

bring me home

the only one

a penny saved gets lost in your bags, but a few dollars is tomorrows lunch. JJ has some money but not a job or place to lay his sweet head as he goes. one night on the bus and bumping along with all the others - gone and gone and gone and gone with the best of them. license plates from he couldn't see where or know why, all leaving nothing behind with their hearts in san francisco AHOY. tomorrow is stuck on the letter J like his name and waiting for the next town to come rolling in with a pit stop and THAR SHE BLOWS we're on to K which is much easier. It's a small town with one bathroom in the gas station, but plenty of beer and ice cream and coffee donut chip jerky trinket brake fluid cigarettes and on and on for aisles. three aisles full, yes sir. yes sir!

JJ has an ice tea of all things and is back on the bus likity-split sipping and watching. a woman with a beret and another with a barrette and two or three without. a couple studying a map and deciding whether 220 or 119. A woman kisses a man quick quick on the cheek cheek and skips up the steps walking past jj and towards the back. the driver eats a sandwich with too much mayo as she closes the door and they all roll away without further delay. no way. L. M. N. O. P. and into the country again. Q can be hard on the open road, but that's ok. It's a whole new world outside today.

it's a dirty dirt beaten path back to the bus after each scenic overlook. one stop two stop three stops an hour. counting time by the beauty outside. take a bus or take a train. let it rain. so much to see and so little time riding sixty down the interstate. next stop and he's off, JJ running down main street with a stop at every window and a final one at the local cafe for tea and a magazine rack by the old brown couch. After Q and R come S for Susy. It's a long walk back. J for Johnnie and J for John. Sue for Susy and S and Sad. What a sad day on the old open highway with nothing to sing but sad little tune and nothing to do but a book or two.

What happy days under the dusty trees with Susy back back back forever, with squirrels in the park. Where is she now? Gone with the flowers forever. You were right when you said go home young man. You were right when you said with or without you. When you said I'm so sorry I could cry. You said all those things and more. and you were right. nail on the head, hurts and I'm dead. Mind going round and round like a merry go fountain of sad joy.

Missing you is like glue. Flows like butter. I'm on my way away away home from you. Into the blue. into the blue. the blue blue west. away from the smell of joy and you.

Sundays came and Sundays went without his collar getting bent, without rain and shadows and puddles and trees. skinned knees, skinned knees. Look at these.

Waving off the waterfall dry sky, he calls his mom from a phone in the next town, double S by now and counting. More Susy than the eye can see and nowhere in sight.

His father is dying.

in Tucson or hotter. Dying in a hospital without a heart to keep him talking. without a name to say at all. that's all. dying like the dead. like a bird without flying. in a bed forever more. wires and tubes and bags of food. reds and whites and metallic sights. this is no song to sing into the west. into the west. we're at our best and dying.

The quarter runs its time and they say goodbye. what a day. what a day to die. let us bow our heads and cry.

---

8.  Chapter Eight: Anon and Anon

Saturday:

1. Sleep in.
2. Read the paper.
3. Over coffee and
4. An english muffin.
5. Butter, no jam.
6. The Weekend.
7. Call Jen?

Sunday:

1. The Coffee Shop.
2. Take the novel?
3. Scraps of paper will do.
4. Scrawl this
5. and that
6. crumple
7. Iced Mocha
8. Two shots
9. Whipped Cream
10. doodle
11. dawdle
12. sip
13. diddle
14. didel-idel-idel
15. didel-idel-idel-idel-idel

Rob wants a seat and does she mind? He has a book black planner and more, doing work over latte cream with hazel green grey eyes like his shirt. On a Sunday? At the next table an older couple earlier reading separate newspapers, now eye-deep in conversation. this and that, this and that. caffeine. people come and go. the waitress bounces some. barista. another, a high school boy in the back swish swash spraying clean the dishes. rock sax swings the room around and around. people come and go. people come and go. people.

People are in a novel. People in a novel come and go. How does it work? Why do people in a novel do this or that? Where is this novel going? Diddle scribble scrawl and she's off the beaten page. Reference and style and subject and it's all a blur. Rob becomes that man in the coffee shop. Rob has always been that man in the coffee shop. Rob represents man. In coffee shop. Rob.

Men in coffee shops are romantic interests and this one is no different. The eyes again, that's what you talk about. The man and the shirt and his eyes. Three pages in ten minutes, a new sunday coffee shop caffeine novel record for Susy. And Rob is curious now, the writer mysterious wonder woman across. What's the opposite of entropy?

There's a voice on the radio talking and the channel changes. boy in the back doing the dishes, a new song a new station and on and on.

1. What's the opposite of entropy?
2. What am I doing tonight?
3. Muscle tussle scar
4. All in a live long day
5. What a to do to do to do
6. Amen

It's a short conversation over the smells of grinding and ground steeping coffee and the rest. A few chuckles, and well, he has to go. Not that you could really expect anything else, really, right? What could you expect really? In a cafe? Over latte cream planners and scraps of novel pages and a table. And he's up and away. up up and up and gone in slow motion, faster than the eye can think, but wait. Wait. Romantic interests take your number at the least, and then take you home by the hand - the other hand brushing the hair from your blinking eyes, walking home in the rain, carried through puddles and around potholes. Romantic interests slowly undress you by the fireplace and you don't have to go to work the next morning. Or they are up up and gone in the blink of an eye, never seen or heard from again, the angel and the hobo - the disappearing kind. Here today, gone today, all in the blink of a day, a live long day, till the moon comes over the hill.

It's sunday, anyway, she thinks as she walks home alone all alone. It never really works out that way, does it? And never on a Sunday. Why is that? It's an empty night and cold in the thoughts under the covers dreaming of those planning eyes wandering. and the hands.

1. What a to-do to live today, without you.
2. I'm blue.
3. Without you.
4. Not you.
5. Alive again.
6. Another day, another planner
7. Another coffee or two.
8. It's a whole new feeling
9. Just knowing I could.
10. Anon
11. Anon Anon Anon Anon

---

9.  Chapter Nine: There and Back Again, Forever.

A plane ticket to South wherever round-tripping forever is a life for the long-lost and lonely. This and that packet of peanut chip cheddar crack candy bar bite size water wonder-bread seat-up sick snacks makes you wonder about home and lemonade on the grass, among other things. I'm a timezone behind myself, and two before susy at home, jj sings in his sad little seat.

one behind me is two before her, but it's now all the same for everyone everywhere

singing or sleeping, our hearts keep on beating, and now will be now till the rest of forever

all time is no time when you look at it that way

the blink of an eye or six billion blinks of six billion eyes to be quite honest

It's light later in the sky, with the sun beaten white off the cool-whip clouds turning orange and red before sinking through. A whole lot of nothing is the same in black or white, so JJ keeps watching the wing as it blinks green and green and green and green against the black.

A row of blue lights against rows of white, the earth can rise up without warning when you're thinking of other lovers. Back home in the light of the covers, the warmth of sheets and the soft smell of the lamps, the love in his mind is a love for all times. the airport a cold white and metal moving through cloudy glass or plastic. tunnels from one reality to another or fantasy back home or the other way around. Between thought, flight, fiction, love and the death of a father. Back home.

The Airport within

The Airport without

purgatory with a baggage claim

It's a sunny day out sunny-side the next sunny sunny morning. Nothing but sun to keep the clouds in the sky and the rain from falling. It's a dry heat out south-west of somewhere, and the sand is there to prove it. JJ finds an ice cream stand on his way to the hospital. One for the road, another for the road as well. Two scoops a day, with the doctor on the way. Mustn't even. Not now.

What do you think about when you can't?

How do you catch a moonbeam when your father is dying?

In the hospital and dying.

Only since Thursday.

Monday Tuesday Thursday.

A problem, like any other day.

Unlike ever before.

Uncharted rooms, the anatomy of thought, from one room to the next, along a corridor to the elevator and waiting for the telling and the tolling, the ding and no one pouring out past a down the hall. Silence after the whir of the doors and JJ steps in for the magic of movement - little lights above the door, just like in the movies.

Remember the movies?

The days of miracle and wonder?

The Graduate

no

Something by Almodovar or that other one

Jarmusch

And so it goes to the third floor where cell phones aren't allowed unless you ask the right nurse. The night nurse. Which you don't. No one to call and no one calling, other things to keep off the mind. It's a terrible thing to waste.

With the advent of the microwave comes hospital food, and dinner for JJ with his parents both quiet in bed and chair. Father drinking in the eternal liquid dinner of the drip drip drip drip drip drip drop, and mother having eaten several times ago already. It's roast beaf on a kaiser, to say the least, with iceberg and fries. Tepid and somewhat soggy to be exact. Silence isn't less silent with food in your mouth, but chewing is something to do when you can't look up. Billions of eyes blinking, but only four in the room. Two pair each over the sterile bed for Mother to communicate with slight twitches and curling at the mouth, which makes JJ queasy for a moment and then another and a third before he excuses himself for a minute.

Not a "how's life" to be had around here.

Turn it around here.

A time to live and a time to die here.

Set your watch here and turn back time.

Turn around to see the thing that made the sound here.

You were right when you said forever

You were wrong when you said forever

Mother had dinner prepared to the teeth and beyond in crock pots and dishes and pans and ovens, with spoons, forks, knives, sporks, whisks and the works. It's a long day at home alone in the summer with nothing and no one and never. What a to do to die today. Or tomorrow, for what it's worth, which is quite a bit. Thousands and more, bills spread and crumpled, and mixed and mashed like the potatoes with milk and money. Nothing left, it's a long way to the bank, but insurance will cover it won't they? Life and death and everything in between? Covered.

She did the books and still does, but he signed the papers and read the small print. That's just the way it was. How is it now?

A year later and back again with mother in the kitchen and no one to visit in the hospital, JJ has nothing to say. He says nothing. Nothing is said. JJ sits. Mother sits. It is silent. Silence is had by all.

Nothing is nothing.

---

10.  Chapter Ten: Under the Sky is Gray

1. my sunday best
2. under the live long
3. a squirrel between
4. when i wept without you (twice)
5. sometimes the daffodils
6. how to know
7. all is said
8. like a metaphor

it's a book of poems when all is said and done. susy's mother comes to town to celebrate, after all. the birthing of a book is no small thing to waste. What's a novel when life is cut? What's a short when life? Why are you crying?

The end of one is the beginning. And this one goes on forever.

For my grandmother:

1. i opened that card you sent
2. and wept
3. like a christ figure
4. like a metaphor

It's going to be a long winter, but not long enough. The book sells like a book, and Susy is working on the next one. Her mother has gone home with a hug and farewell and a sprinkle of pixie dust heels together golden silver ruby slippers. Susy goes to the lake with a pack of sandwiches and now a major motion picture by what's his name. it's a good book, but not good enough, and she walks out on the frozen water slide.

1. frozen water.
2. slide.
3. repeat.

The snow is pushed aside beneath her feet and back when she lays down. The cold and wet are reminders of coldness and wetness. the snow is gray forever. the sky is gray forever. Where they meet is forever. She should have brought a pencil, shouldn't she? and a sheet of paper. Write it down like yesterday's poetry. A silver lining. A shadow. Trees. Evening mass. Falling asleep.

She eats a sandwich to stave off hunger.

She eats another to stave off another before sleep.

When it starts snowing and the trees set in, with evening shadows and glowing leaves, Susy makes her way back to the park bench and to the car and to her home upstairs by the chimney with a cup of tea, a pencil and paper. nothing to be done. there's not a song to sing, when there's nothing to be sung. light a candle, light a lamp and step down. step down. Write and write and write and write. Write and write and write another.

1. Don't quit your day job
2. Never eat your vegetables
3. What's it to you?
4. I'm dining alone
5. Dining of natural causes
6. Alone of natural causes

Susy writes it all down and goes to bed with a sense of something. The end of a day, perhaps. Friday evening evokes just that feeling. She rolls it around on her tongue as she falls off the edge of awake.

---

11.  Chapter Eleven: Whence, From Two

what we've had was had forever

if not our love then nothing never

what is true is without measure

and in between we'll miss each other

and so it goes and on and on, this song of love and truth and beauty

until we say goodnight forever

and disappear beneath whatever

it hardly matters then, does it?

1. forever is at least an hour and a half
2. while my heart is deeper than three
3. and without blankets loneliness sets in
4. you can't sleep at night
5. and i miss your kiss on my neck
6. which is not to say
7. or to put
8. too fine a point anywhere forever

goodnight

---

12.  Chapter Twelve: This Road Full Glittered

In the park with the sky is amber and falling and the trees turn from blue to gray and curdled like clouds. JJ and Susy on the bench and sighing.

"My father died."

"I'm sorry."

"It's been what?"

"Three years. I wrote a book."

"I'm tired."

"I think it's going to rain."

"I'm tired."

"Goodnight."

---

13.  Chapter Thirteen: Over Un-thought Waters

Thursdays go and come again.

Without you is a like.

The beginning of one is.

And on.

JJ went to the park with a song on his hum and a breeze to be blown. he sat ever so beneath the trees and thought about forever.

Susy thought "humperdink" was a good word, and wrote another poem about flowers in full bloom and the mud on her heels. a cup of tea with jack daniel's is called a hot tottie.

the sun was setting and so on.